Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
