I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
