i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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