Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
