apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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