I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
