im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
