okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
