I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
