Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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