The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
