I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize