M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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