I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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