Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
