if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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