You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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