Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Help. Why am I so naked?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
