She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
