i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
