All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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