Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
