My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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