woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize