she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
