Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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