I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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