Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
