someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
