I cannot find my penis.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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