Can Purell be used as lube?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize