New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
