Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
