it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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