You can't motorboat a personality
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
