We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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