you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
