I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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