history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
