Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
