I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
