You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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