You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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