I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
