My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
