Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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