Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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