using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
