thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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