peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize