the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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