we have pet lesbian snakes
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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