I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Boobs are out for the taking
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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