Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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