I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize